While the pandemic is still very much affecting our lives, I'm not feeling as exhausted by it, which has meant that for the first time in a long time, I've been able to look at my website and actually have some words to type.
So what exactly has happened since July 2019 that hasn't made it onto this blog?
Mental Health
The second half of 2019 was really touch. I wasn't happy for a lot of reasons but rather than admit it, I let myself fall back into bad habits, which only made things worse. Before the end of the year, however, I picked myself up and realised that I needed to change some things in order to deal with my mental health.
I was just getting into a better place when the first lockdown happened and seemed to unravel everything. Just like a lot of people, I found it incredibly hard. Luckily, I had my husband with me so I wasn't alone, but it did really test our relationship and not having someone else to vent to face-to-face made it harder.
As 2020 continued, my moods would see bigger dips and my anxiety got to the point where leaving the house was a struggle. I have historically struggled with crowds and busy places but the threat of Covid amplified this so even a trip to the supermarket would often leave me panicked and crying in my car.
However, the end of the year brought a change with it that instantly made me feel happier and lighter, while also giving me a swift kick up the butt. I ended 2020 in a good place and started 2021 feeling so much happier. The last few months have been a lot better and I feel like I'm getting myself back where I was. The fact that I went out into public twice this weekend and didn't even have a whisper of an anxiety attack says a lot and has made me feel much more positive.
3 jobs in a year
I'd only had a few days in the office with the full team and had to start working from home while getting to know them, developing different strategies and helping a couple of brilliant apprentices learn. All of this went alongside worrying that I might suddenly not have a job any more as I was not eligible for furlough.
From March to November last year, I worked my butt trying to get good results and helping with numerous projects. My wonderful apprentices were made redundant part way through this, which was honestly the worst day I've had in my professional career. It was even worse than the day I was suddenly made redundant without warning, because by that point, I was so thoroughly miserable, I was happy to have the opportunity to do something else - even if it was right before Christmas and I couldn't have been furloughed.
I basically left the office on my last day not upset, but absolutely livid. I used that to put myself into job searching, lining up freelance work and setting up interviews. Less than a week later, I was lucky enough to get a brilliant offer from a company I had worked with previously. I was able to arrange to work four days a week and still take on freelance work. I know that this really was a stroke of good luck and the stars aligned at just the right moment, so I have been incredibly grateful since, especially as it is such a good fit.
All of this has meant that I've started the year doing a job that I enjoy and that is helping me develop my skills, while also taking on freelance opportunities that I get to choose. Granted, I've had to work out the tax side of things, but all-in-all, I've had the best three months at work that I've had in a very long time.
Weight loss and fertility
None of this paid off and after 6 months, my BMI was still 33 according to the doctor.
This was probably one of the biggest triggers for my mental health taking a nose dive as it started to feel like we'd never get there no matter how much I did. I ended up giving up and since then have put on a huge amount of weight again. Lockdown also didn't help as I was stuck at home every day, unable to go swimming or to the gym. The stress of being worried about my job made me turn to food for comfort. It felt like it didn't matter anyway as we couldn't get appointments and I'd tried so hard before to get nowhere.
When I did make a decision to sort things out and start eating better again to lose weight - even managing to lose almost two stone in a couple of months, I was made redundant and had all that stress to deal with, making me put that weight back on.
However, now that I am happier, I'm finding it much easier to look after myself. It also helps that my husband is supporting me by cutting down on unhealthy foods alongside me. We've worked out that carbs are the worst thing for both of us, so they are going out the window.
I don't think I'll ever get my BMI down to 30 because I'm just not built to be that slim (as almost starving myself and working out way too much shows). However, I know I can get below 35, at which point I will find someway to pay for IVF - even if it means selling a kidney. Until then, I have two nephews and a brand new niece that I can spoil, which is wonderful in itself.
Onwards and Upwards
Getting all this written down has made me realise exactly how much has happened and that I can't feel bad about letting any of it get to me. Being in a better place mentally has helped me a lot and I'm sure that being able to see friends and family again at some point soon will help even more. Until then, I'm going to try and keep up with my blog, especially as I did a lot of online shopping in the last 12 months so have a lot of reviews and tips for you.